STORY - "Adolescence and Anger: A Different Approach"

“Anger is a sign of a mismatch between what a boy wants (or at least what he knows he doesn’t want), and how he perceives the world to be. Simply, the square pegs of the son’s wishes do not fit into the round holes of the world around him.” - Michael Currie, Doing Anger Differently: Helping Adolescent Boys.

Earlier this year Dr Michael Currie, a clinical psychologist who has worked with adolescent boys and their families for 20 years both in mediation and therapy, was invited to St Paul’s High School Booragul to talk to parents about assisting angry adolescent boys to work through their difficulties.

I caught up with Michael to explore with him some of the strategies and ideas for parents from his Doing Anger Differently program which has featured in his recently published book of the same name.

The book addresses the fundamental question of how parents can speak and intervene well in their families, and whilst the focus of the book is adolescent boys, Michael’s advice crosses gender and age barriers. It had become evident to Michael through his work that the role of the parent during a child’s adolescence is critical, and that what was needed was a guide to assist parents in responding to situations.

Michael highlights the need for parents to maintain a sense of empowerment in their parenting as well as the importance of healthy two-way communication. He asserts that many of the traditional explanations for, and reactions to an adolescent’s behaviour only render a parent powerless to change the situation. He lists examples such as: “If only I had done this or that when they were young, they wouldn’t be like that,” or “It must be something to do with his genes because he’s acting just like his father,” or “There’s nothing I can do because it’s just adolescence.” Michael believes that the crucial starting point for parents is to acknowledge what has happened without feeling a sense of guilt or despair, and to be clear that something can be done now, regardless of the past.

One of the traps into which parents fall is to react to an angry situation with their own negative emotions, such as blame, risking an escalation of the conflict. Michael advises that despite the adolescent’s anger (‘there’s something wrong and it’s someone else’s fault’), “What parents need to do even if they feel blamed is to put aside the blame and ask what is wrong. The initial anger may be just the tip of the iceberg but it’s a starting point. Listen to what’s wrong rather than getting caught up in the blame.”

“Parents need to hear what is said in anger as the anger gives the adolescent the push to overcome the normal restrictions in communication,” Michael said. “Just because something is said in an angry manner doesn’t mean there isn’t a kernel of truth in there; don’t dismiss what’s said in anger.” Michael advises parents to reopen a topic when things are calmer and to ask the adolescent to elaborate on what they said when they were angry. “Don’t sweep it under the carpet.”

Whilst Michael recognises that different families have different styles of communication, he emphasises the establishment of good communication or linguistic skills early in life where, “a child is encouraged to talk about their feelings and what’s happening in their world. It is important to develop a relationship which will allow for conversation, so that effective dialogue can continue during adolescence.”

”If there has never been an expectation that a child will talk to their parents during childhood then it becomes unrealistic to expect them to automatically talk about problems as they occur during adolescence.”

As well as highlighting the importance of effective communication between family members, Michael also comments on the significance of creating a linguistic culture among groups of adolescent boys. His theory is that, “the more boys are encouraged to talk, and the more different ideas that can be created, the more points of view that are developed, the better it is for a boy’s cognitive development.”

This has particular relevance where there is a culture of bullying. “When there is an environment in which they use their fists, where they posture or where there is a silent pecking order, try instead to help them talk; create a linguistic culture, rather than one based on violence and aggression in which one person dictates how it’s going to be.”

Doing Anger Differently is full of practical advice and step by step principles such as this to help parents and adolescents to work together to resolve difficult situations. Adolescence is a stage in life that is known for its ‘explosive outbursts’ and ‘monosyllabic exchanges’ and Michael’s approach provides plenty of tips and hints to get both parent and child through to adulthood.

“If childhood is a time of construction, adolescence is a time of reconstruction. Adolescence gives a ‘second chance’ at a making of the individual.”

Doing Anger Differently: Helping Adolescent Boys, Melbourne University Press, 2008, $34.95. Please visit www.mup.com.au

Lindsey Fratus

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