Seasons for Growth

Disenfranchised Grief In Stepfamilies

Irene Gerrard, Grief Matters The Australian Journal of Grief and Bereavement, Autumn 2002, Volume 5, Number 1, pp. 11-14 Comment by Lyn Dowling
Referenced: Good Grief - Autumn News 2003 Volume Seven Number One

Journeying with others in grief demands balancing our understanding of universal features of the human response to change and loss with the knowledge that each situation and each individual or family experiencing that situation is unique.  Within the range of the universal and common, individuals and families will experience change and loss in individual and unique ways.  Taking time to reflect on possible similarities and differences between varying types of loss situations can assist us with this ‘balancing act’.  It can help us to become better listeners, altering us to possibilities of meaning in the stories we hear, while at the same time reminding us to remain open to what is unique in each story.

It is not surprising then that when companions gather together, the discussion frequently flows around diverse ‘life-change’ situations.  For example, death and separation or divorce are frequently juxtaposed.  Commonalities and differences in these types of situations are examined, and then a range of possible loss reactions explored.  Companions consider these possible reactions against a background understanding of children’s general psychosocial and development needs.

During such conversations issues relevant to ‘blended’ or stepfamilies are often discussed in connection with separation and divorce, because so many of our children are dealing with the formation of new families at the same time as coming to terms with a ‘previous’ family break-up.  Yet, although it may tend to occur a little later, children who have experienced a death in the family can also find themselves members of blended or stepfamilies.

Irene Gerrard’s article ‘Disenfranchised grief in stepfamilies’ provides a useful framework for considering grief associated with blended or stepfamilies regardless of preceding loss events.  She reminds us that, grief in relation to blended or stepfamilies can be a “disenfranchised grief”, particularly for children.  Citing Doka (1989), she uses this term to describe grief that is ‘not socially recognised nor its expression sanctioned’.  Gerrard’s article reminds us that no matter whether a stepfamily is formed following separation or following death, a loss has always preceded it.

Blended or stepfamilies are formed by adults.  As adults focus forward, and re-invest in a new future, it may be difficult for them to acknowledge or accept a future that may be seen by their children through a lens of loss.

There may be a number of reasons that this may be so:

• When adults are investing in a hopeful future, it can be difficult for them to focus on children’s loss.  Adults may be pre-occupied with their new partner, unaware that their children are not in the same place in their process of grieving.
• If adults are caught up in ‘the complexity and sometimes conflictual process of legal, financial and emotional divorce from their ex-spouse, they can miss understanding the ex-spouse, they can miss understanding the nature and extent of their children’s feelings.’ (p.12)
• Biological parents may still be at war.  Gerrard (p.12) reminds us that, ‘One of the worst “hidden” types of grief for children is the one they have to bare when their biological parents continue a personal warfare against each other.’

Another, and frequently less acknowledged area of loss for children finding themselves in blended families, can be the loss of their position as ‘the youngest’, the ‘oldest’, ‘the baby’.  The birth of a baby to the ‘new’ couple can also be a difficult time for children.

The loss of involvement with grandparents can cause great sadness for children.

In addition, we may reflect on a number of other possible losses that children may experience: moving house, changing schools, leaving a family pet, etc.

In her article, Gerrard discusses some additional individual and unacknowledged losses that adults in blended families may also be experiencing.  These can be wide-ranging.  There may be grief that the reality of life as a blended family has not lived up to an expected dream.  Children may not have formed that hoped-for close bond with the new partner.  Partners may be at different stages in processing their own grief from previous relationships.  And so on.  Just as it is for children, the grief associated with these losses can be unacknowledged.

Gerrard (p.13) notes that unacknowledged grief is silent grief.  ‘This silence prevents the realisation of new relationships and new families.’  She reminds us that for all of us, the past and the future must be integrated.

‘Children’s past history and feelings of loss need to be honoured.’ (p.12) Children’s grief can be intensified by their sense of powerlessness over adult relationships and decisions.  Companions can play an important part in building a listening environment where the, sometimes unacknowledged, losses that children experience as the structure of their family changes can be recognised.

Gerrard reminds us that adults also need a space to become more in touch with their own grief as well as grief that their children might be experiencing.  While she refers to an educational course, ‘Making Stepfamilies Work’, her message could equally apply to the Adult Seasons for Growth modules.  In the Hunter, a number of schools and community organisations are making Seasons for Growth available for adults.

Gerrard’s article reinforces that for both children and adults acknowledging grief and loss is an important part of the process of building a better future.  The Seasons for Growth program offers a secure space for children and adults to do this.

Note: Grief Matters, The Australian Journal of Grief and Bereavement is published by the Centre for Grief Education. 
Freecall 1800 642 066, Email: griefmatters@grief.org.au, Website: www.grief.org.au
It is a useful resource for those of us who Companion others in grief.

Read more about supporting families and children after loss. Download an article (WORD DOCUMENT)

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